You’ve Got A Friend In Me

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

-Oprah Winfrey

Are you wondering how in the world to be a good friend to your black American friends right now? It can be challenging to know what to say, or what not to say. We’re afraid of potentially mis-stepping and bringing even more pain on our friends and loved ones.

It’s really easy to let my own fear of conflict, or of hurting others, keep me silent. What I’ve come to realize is that silence can be just as painful as a mis-spoken but well intentioned word. We can’t let fear keep us from being the friend we need to be

To be clear, I am learning. I have so much to learn. I am listening. There are so many black voices that are good guides, and what I’m sharing is only what I’ve learned from some of them. But please seek them out and hear their heart for yourself.

REACH OUT

Make a call. Send a text. Mail a note. Make a date for coffee. Porch drop a bouquet from the farmer’s market. It doesn’t matter how you reach out, just that you do. Let your black friends know you’re in this with them. You’re in it for the long haul, not just right now. Tell them you love them. Full stop.

LISTEN

Then just shut your mouth and listen. Listen with humility. Without forming judgement or opinions. Listen with an understanding that their experience is different from yours. Their experience does not need to be proven. How are they doing? What are their fears? How can we pray for them? How can we best love them right now?

IT’S NOT ABOUT US

Just writing this post makes me squirm a little because this is not about me. Our black friends do not need to bear the burden of our collective grief, anger, guilt, or any other response that makes it about us. My default response in nearly every conversation is “Oh me too!” or “That’s like that time I….”. I really actually have to work hard at not turning it back on myself. And still, I fail frequently. In this context though, it’s especially untrue. I don’t fully understand my friend’s experience and I certainly won’t grow in my understanding unless I close my mouth and listen.

LEARN

How much do you feel loved when someone takes the time to learn about your family, your childhood, your desires, your hopes and dreams? In a similar way, taking the time to learn about our black friends and their history, their culture, their unique challenges, is a wonderful way to be a good friend. There are beautiful and rich threads interwoven with the threads of slavery and racism. When I step back, I see a glorious tapestry of resilience, strength and dignity.

Let’s not shy away from learning about the hard threads of slavery, racism and systemic issues. Let’s also look for the good and holy threads of rich music, brilliant minds, articulate writers, courageous warriors and chefs like Leah Chase – famous for serving gumbo and fried chicken to patrons from Martin Luther King Jr. to George W. Bush to Quincy Jones. More to come on Ms. Chase’s fascinating story soon….

If you’ve been nervous or hesitant to reach out to your black friends, I hope this encourages you to not wait any longer. If you are a black friend, your thoughts and feedback are ever so welcome! Even (or especially!) if I’ve gone astray, please chime in. Your voice is needed and valued.

Sending love today,

Alicia