Braving The Messy Middle

Last week my three year old observed some kids behaving rather too boisterously at the park. “Is he bad mom?” he asked? Well no, he is just not making good choices right now.

I’m not exactly sure where my son came up with this line of thinking but he asks frequently. “Are they good?” “Is she bad?” While we are careful never to label our kids as good or bad, still they seem to gravitate to this language to try and make sense of the world.

I remember making sense of the world in this way too as a kid. I began to grasp who we were as a family and our place in the world. I started embracing our labels that gave me a sense of identity, a language and a sense of belonging.

• American
• Christian
• Northern European
• Middle Class
• Republican

There were narratives that accompanied each of these labels. There were beliefs, opinions and positions. I remember feeling almost a sense of relief as I grew into a teenager and became more aware of politics, societal issues and theological questions. I was relieved that we already had an answer! To literally everything! Our position was formed and I could just sign right up for it because I was an American Christian Republican.

It was great! Critical thinking was never my strong point anyway. Ever keen to avoid confrontation or disagreement, my side was chosen and I didn’t really have to think about it.

Until….I began to think about it. Where many question their beliefs in college, I blew right on through until my mid-30’s. As my own children were growing into pre-teens and asking harder and harder questions, so often the “why” or the context behind my answers was missing. It was really so much easier to have all the answers locked and loaded. Ready, Aim, Fire.

I sighed, knowing I had to do better. Like pulling a dusty old coat from the back of the closet, I began to pull out assumptions, beliefs, positions, opinions. Each were held up for inspection. While some held up to the scrutiny, many were full of holes. This was a frightening discovery. What felt so sturdy seemend to crumble in my hand. Was this that slippery slope I had been warned about? Once I pulled a thread, would it all begin to unravel?

In time, something beautiful started to emerge. I discovered the messy middle.

The messy middle held space for:

• Acknowledgment that I don’t know what I don’t know.
• Humility to keep an open heart and an open mind.
• Invitation to listen and learn from people with other stories and perspectives than mine.
• Unlimited opportunity to explore context and nuance.
• Not having to choose a side simply because of a label.

At first the messy middle felt lonely, wobbly and a little scary. I took a deep breath, gathered my courage and continued on. The beauty of the middle emerged as I realized the goodness of thinking for myself. The power of letting love lead, always. The knowing of friends and family that link arms with me, even as our understanding of some things may differ. We can choose to listen and learn and grow together.

Let’s meet in the middle friends. Let’s be brave enough to lay down our arms as we navigate a landscape so filled with polarization, dogma and high emotion. There is a path forward, and we can forge it with our trusty tools of humility, courage and love.

Sending love this week,

Alicia