Breathe In, Breathe Out

The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

-Job 33:4

Does anyone else feel slightly short of breath as we look into July and the second half of this surreal year? I feel a like I’ve been holding 2020 like a tiger by the tail, reminding myself to just keep breathing.

I never thought of breathing as a spiritual practice to be honest. It seemed a little woo woo for this good Christian girl. I thought that in order for time with God to “count”, there was definitely a specific formula involving no less than 4 of the following components:

• Dedicated daily time, at least 30 minutes, but the longer the better.
• Morning hours definitely counted for more, and the earlier the better.
• A Bible, preferably a study Bible and it better be New American Standard.
• Journal + Pen
• Additional Christian inspirational reading material (hmmmmm….will it be Max Lucado or Beth Moore today?)
• Strong’s Concordance
• Coffee (Organic, decaf French Roast with 1/2 & 1/2 in a beautiful mug please.)
• A quiet space

Pre-kids this formula worked pretty well. I wasn’t nursing at night, so I could rise early and easily spend half an hour reading, praying and journaling before I got ready for work. No one required breakfast, diaper changes, spill clean ups, potty assistance, or my body as a jungle gym every waking moment. And also, 10 minute commute.

Then along came Wyatt in 2006. Enter interrupted sleep followed by 5a wake up calls and an hour commute to work. Those 30 minute devotions were relegated to an occasional weekend morning when baby slept in. Gunnarr followed in 2008, 11 days after Wyatt turned 2. Anyone who has juggled an infant and a toddler knows the particular level of exhaustion such a joyful season of life brings.

Nevertheless, I tried to keep up my formula! We will persevere! Instead of a quiet room, I moved to a quiet car. Instead of reading the Bible, I would listen to a book or podcast. Guilt began to creep in. I knew I was cheating on the formula. How could I expect to truly commune with God with the leftover crumbs of time I was giving Him?

“You just have too prioritize it!”, I heard. “Leave the kids with their dad and get away!”, I heard. “You can only pour out what you pour in!”, I heard. I tried harder which was rewarded with more “failure” and guilt.

Fast forward to March 2020 and 4 boys + Covid-19 + full time demanding job. Overwhelm and exhaustion become my daily companions. 5 entire minutes alone in the bathroom are a LUXURY. 30 minutes daily with Jesus? A distant memory.

I missed Jesus.

I started spending literally 3 minutes kneeling in my office while my computer whirred to life each morning. And guess what? He met me there. He met me there when I had no words. When all I had to offer were tears of grief, of anxiety, of fear over what the future holds. He met me there when all I could do was breathe in, and breathe out.

Breathing became prayer.

• Breathe in…Courage. Breathe out…Fear.
• Breathe in Hope…Breathe out…Hopelessness.
• Breathe in…Strength. Breathe out…Anxiety.
• Breathe in…Joy. Breathe out…Frustration.

Jesus met me here. And it was enough. At every turn, I see that He is bigger than what I thought. He is far beyond any formula, any sort of box I can build to try and make sense of Him. He is as close as my breath. We are here, together, eating lunch. Changing another diaper. Building out another spreadsheet. Standing in line at Costco.

He isn’t waiting for me in that quiet room, disappointed that yet again, I slept in and didn’t show up. He’s here….now! Always! Pouring out goodness without me even being able to form the words to ask.

If you are struggling to pray because you are in busy mom season, or you are overwhelmed with the societal issues we are facing, or maybe you are undergoing a shift in your faith and don’t know how to pray…..take a deep breath. Inhale the goodness of God. Name those things that are making your throat constrict and exhale. Breathe them out and make room for every good thing Jesus has for you today.

Love to you today friends,

Alicia