We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.
―Dorothy Day
At the time of this writing, it is Wednesday April 7, 2020. Our world is in the grip of COVID-19, or “Coronavirus”, nearly 5 months since the first case broke in Hubei province, China. In this amazingly short amount of time, nary a soul has escaped its impact.
When we look back on this time, we’ll picture toilet paper, face masks, and empty grocery shelves. But there is something else I will remember. I will see faces of friends and family smiling from all sorts of screens. Phones, ipads, laptops. I will remember Zoom birthday dinners, Skype happy hours, and Facebook Live church services. Hours of Facetime chess matches with cousins.
We will all remember how incredibly hard we worked to maintain a sense of connection with others while deep in isolation.
What is it about the human spirit that so universally yearns for connection? Even the most introverted among us must occasionally admit to a certain longing to know, and to be known. Why is this?
We want to feel like we are not alone. We want to know that our struggles are shared. That we are not the only person in this vast world that occasionally hides in the bathroom and lets out the pent up frustration of a hard day with tinies.
At the same time, our joy is infinitely multiplied when shared with others. A small chuckle looking at a meme is nothing compared to the deep belly laugh shared with friends over a meal. The best kind of laughing until tears are streaming and your sides are hurting.
So what holds us back from pursuing connection?
Let’s tackle some of the big ones.
Fear of Rejection
That’s just me right? That feeling of being all alone in a room seemingly full of hip, beautiful, super smart, wise and amazing people? They are all obviously in deep, amazing conversation and if I was brave enough to join in, either a) I would have zero idea what they were talking about, b) I’d have nothing of significance to add or c) what I might actually say would be so banal and stupid, they would ask me to kindly vacate the premises.
Here’s the thing. Everyone feels this way! We are all just putting our absolute best face on, hoping not to look stupid. No one is thinking about us nearly as much as we think they are – and that’s a good thing.
What if instead of putting our best face on, we put our everyday real face on? We gather our courage and bring our whole selves to the room? We say, this is it. This is me. My genuine, authentic self. You may take it, or you may leave it. The ones that get you? They will really get you. They will feel safe to join you and put down their mask too. And that’s when real connection starts.
Shame
Shame is the worst kind of prison, one we may not even recognize is holding us captive. One definition of shame is the belief that one is flawed and unworthy of acceptance and belonging.
It takes some deep work to break free from the prison of shame – which goes far beyond this post. It’s so worth it though, friend, to do the work to get free. Brene Brown‘s groundbreaking work on shame is a great starting point.
Competing Priorities
Work
Kids
Significant Other
Community Involvement
Hobbies
Self Care
The list goes on. For me, in this stage of life, this is where the rubber really hits the road. All of these things are important and valid. How can I make space for connection on top of everything else? Sometimes it honestly just feels easier to press pause. To say, this season is about raising my kids, about building my career, about investing into my new marriage. Whatever it is.
There came a time when I had to shift my thinking. I had to start thinking of connection as a way of life rather than just another thing on my to do list. If connection is life giving and vital to my well being, how can I work it into my rhythm of life?
We’ll talk more about some practical ideas in the next post.
Meanwhile, what’s holding you back from pursuing connection with others?