“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.”
Bertrand Russell
As an Enneagram 9, a degree of uncertainty seems to go with the territory. I use words like “maybe”, “sometimes” and “possibly” way too much. I don’t have to work to see all sides of a question or issue. I just do. And while this lends itself to a great deal of empathy, it also bumps up against a culture that places a high value on certainty, on having all the answers to ALL the questions.
The thing is, I rarely have answers that I feel 100% certain about. And frankly, the older I get, the more questions I have than answers. This is hard as a parent, for we are supposed to know everything! Surely we are not supposed to ask the questions.
But also, the older I get, the more I understand how life is just so much more nuanced than we give it credit for. For example, is Paleo, Vegan, Keto, Gluten-Free, Whole 30 better? It depends! Maybe none of them are the best for YOUR body. What about your blood type, ancestry, season of life, budget and time constraints?
And then there are the HARD questions. The big questions about life, God, political and societal issues, relational challenges. Who is God? Is He actually good? What is the actual deal with the dinosaurs, evolution and the flood??
Yikes. Sometimes I wish I knew everything and could just brain dump all the “right” answers into my kids. But particularly as the two oldest have moved into early adolescence, I am finding that by NOT answering everything with certainty, and by asking them more questions, I am giving them a gift. I am allowing them to explore, to think, to consider multiple data points. To be curious about different perspectives. Ultimately, when they come to a conclusion, it is THEIRS. It is not mine. They own it in a way that they never would if I just told them, this is how it is.
I am also hopeful to encourage empathy in my kids where it may not come as naturally to them. In modeling a posture of openness and humility, I hope to create a rich environment of curiosity, learning, and a willingness to accept paradox.
None of this is intended to undermine the value of certainty. My husband Stephen is a very “certain” sort of fellow. He knows what he knows and tends to see things in much more black and white terms than I do. This certainty, I think, lends itself to a strong sense of stability for our kids. He shoots straight and they aren’t left wondering.
And, of course, there are many things that are actually just plain truth. This shows up much more in parenting my teeny tinies. Fingers on hot burners = painful burn. Jumping off a deck = the opportunity to be educated on the painful effects of gravity. The laws of nature don’t change. But good manners? They vary enormously with time, by geographic location, culture and even by family. Kindness, on the other hand, is universal.
This can be a scary way to parent, this trusting the process. In my bones, though, it feels right. There will be differences in our conclusions but I don’t love my kids or anyone else because we all agree on everything. I love them because I love them – no matter what.