The Power of And

All truth is a paradox.

-Anne Lamott

Years ago I read the book “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time” by Susan Scott. My biggest takeaway (and there were many!) was shifting from the word “but” to “and”. Think about how these sentences feel entirely different with this one change:

• “You did a great job on that report BUT the appendices need some work.” …versus… “You did a great job on that report AND the appendices need some work.”
• “Thank you for washing the dishes dear son BUT the floor is now covered in an inch of water.”…versus…”Thank you for washing the dishes dear son AND the floor is now coverd in an inch of water.”
• “I really like those new neighbors BUT their kids are so loud!”…versus…”I really like those new neighbors AND their kids are so loud!”

The “BUT” effectively takes away the full effect of the first part of the sentence and puts all the focus on the last part, which is then perceived more negatively. The “AND” gives equal weight to both parts. It doesn’t take anything away from the positive and at the same time, acknowledges the other piece.

I have found this concept a really helpful way to approach potentially “itchy” conversations that this Enneagram 9 might just possibly put off for fear of conflict.

As I started applying this idea, I began to see how it held true on a much greater scale. Two seemingly conflicting things could both be true, and in fact, that seemed to be the way of it more often that not.

A good example of this is marriage. It can be deep, rich and beautifully transformative. At the same time, it can be frustrating, patience testing and deeply challenging. Both can be equally true. But rather than just throw in the towel, we acknowledge the challenge, look for the good, the lovely, the redeeming and build on that. We set aside unrealistic expectations and decide the reward is worth embracing the hard.

This is hard work. From the time we are toddlers, we begin to make sense of the world in terms of Yes and No. Right and Wrong. Good and Bad. We gravitate toward quick, easy and clear answers. When confronted with paradox, we stumble a little. We don’t know how to hold two truths equally in each hand. We are people of action.

But this is good work. It is worthy work. When we look for a third way, when we consider context and nuance, our understanding grows. Our empathy grows. We begin to see creative solutions rise.

This serves us so well in a complex world where agreement can be so elusive. This serves us well as we journey toward growing into our best selves.

Here are a couple of examples for me right now:

• I am concerned about the societal health implications of COVID-19 worldwide AND at the same time, concerned about the massive impact of shut-downs on our economy.
• I acknowledge and listen to feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion and stress AND at the same time, choose to hold on to hope and faith in God’s constant work to bring good out of bad.
• We can disagree AND still be friends! In fact, we can disagree AND still learn from each other and be challenged into new areas of growth!

Reframing in this way helps us to hold both pieces as equally valid and important. It’s not human nature to hold paradox easily but when lean into it, our understanding is infinitely expanded.