Why I Got Out Of The Natural Mom Contest

Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect.

-Brene Brown

Cavities. Not one. Not two. But MULTIPLE cavities. In the mouths of my two sweet boys who had been born without medical intervention, breastfed well past 12 months, and administered not a single antibiotic to date.

I was crestfallen. The natural mom formula that I had worked so hard to follow had failed me. Had failed our boys.

Before getting pregnant with our oldest, Wyatt, I wasn’t quite so committed to natural health. I loved Double Decker tacos from Taco Bell, Doritos nachos, and Diet Coke. I was young and time was still being kind to me.

After 10 long years of trying for a baby, when those two little lines showed up on that pregnancy test, something inside me changed. We had been given the gift of new life and I would do everything in my power to ensure this tiny life was nourished, thriving and whole.

We dropped the soda, the nitrates and preservatives that were also causing Stephen migraines.

We swapped out conventional for organic.

We invested in grass fed, pastured meat. Raw milk. KERRYGOLD BUTTER.

Gone was the white flour, replaced by spelt, coconut or almond flour. Gone was the white sugar, replaced by raw honey, maple syrup, and rapidura.

Out with Clorox, Palmolive, and Windex. In with homemade cleaners requiring bulk purchases of white vinegar, baking soda and essential oils.

We eschewed over the counter drugs, and CERTAINLY antibiotics. A whole new world of homeopathic medicine, chiropractic, holistic care was opened up to us.

In the beginning, it was actually really fun. We lived near Seattle at the time, among a wonderful community of supportive, like minded people. We could all compare notes and get ideas and be inspired.

What could we do next??? Make toothpaste! Make deodorant! Red light therapy! Soaking and sprouting grains! Grounding! Literally search “organic” in Craigslist and see what exciting things could be found.

Until the cavities.

I truly felt betrayed. I had tried so hard and still….it wasn’t enough. Not only did the system fail me, I had failed my family. And that’s when the wheels started wobbling.

On the other side of the door marked “Failure”, there were many other doors:

• Doubt: What exactly could we control here? Were there no guaranteed outcomes after all? How much good was all this doing anyway? Was there another surprise diagnosis around the corner?
• Overwhelm: The thought that I needed to double down my efforts was paralyzing. Should we add in oil pulling to our dental routine? Eliminate grains? Focus on gut health? The thought of trying to fit in one more thing was truly overwhelming.
• Confusion: The farther down the rabbit hole I went, the more conflicting the information was. Dairy was good but only full fat, raw or cultured dairy. Wait, no – dairy is BAD and OF COURSE your kids have cavities. Meat is good but only organic/pastured/grass fed meat. Uh oh, meat is bad after all and vegan is definitely the way to go. Nutrition was the rabbit hole of confusion I resided in primarily but so many experts in so many areas were causing me to just shut down.
• Shame: Here is the dark room where all these doors led. I knew I could never learn enough, or do enough, or be enough. I had failed my family, and was ashamed.

2 more babies later, the door cracked open and the light of grace began to pour in. I couldn’t do it all, so I stopped trying. We bought regular old toothpaste and no one’s teeth fell out. We drove through In ‘N Out and miraculously, no one died on the way home. Sometimes there were veggies on the dinner table, and many nights there just weren’t. But we had been nourished by laughter and conversation together at the table.

I began to realize the load I had been carrying and the relief it felt to drop it. Ironically, all the effort we had been putting into our physical health had ultimately affected my mental health in a negative way.

Perfection was obviously not within my reach but balance was. We could aim for 80/20 and trust that these amazing bodies would be ok. We could relax into relationship with friends and family with vastly varying diets and lifestyles, checking judgement, comparison and condescension at the door. Grace was available for the taking.

I am literally sagging with relief even as I write this.

It is a privilege to be able to let down our standard somewhat and I deeply empathize with families struggling with serious health considerations that don’t have the option.

But even to you I say, give yourself grace. The world does not rest on our shoulders. These bodies were fearfully and wonderfully made. We can steward them well, and that will look different from season to season. And that is ok.

Grace to you this week friends,

Alicia